zootedboy:

*chillin wit my smart hoe*

me: bae whats the temperature of the sun?

her: 10 million degrees

me: ur so sexy when u know things

zackisontumblr:

i want a bf with a select vocabulary which includes phrases like:

  • yes babe
  • you’re cute
  • of course i will bring you snacks
  • my dick is 3 feet long
  • you’re always right babe i’m sorry

friendlydad:

have you ever just assumed that a word was pronounced a certain way and you end up pronouncing it incorrectly throughout your entire life and then one day someone corrects you and its like you can almost hear satan laughing as the flames of hell begin to seep up from underground and slowly burn you to death

My Wedding Speech

  • Me: I'm in love with this guy ever since i was a teen. he's so handsome and cute. He's so artistic and he does things from the bottom of his heart. He's talented and when im sad or angry he can always cheer me up.
  • Guests: Awwwwwwwww
  • Me: But unfortunately I can't marry Zayn Malik so i'm stuck with this little shit